I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend AnymoreHovey
It’s been a good run! We’ve been through a lot together, you and me. Like the time when you mentioned that you were having spaghetti for dinner, remember that? “Yumm-o!” That was classic! Or how about the time you tagged me in that post about your blog in order to get me to go to your website. Nobody loves a good “gotcha” moment more than me! You know me so well!
Yup. Those were good times!
But there comes a time when all good things must come to an end. Including our friendship.
And that time is right now.
I’m not going to insult your intelligence by giving you the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. That’s not fair to you. Besides…well…it is you. It is so you. And because of that, here are the top 10 reasons why I don’t want to be your friend anymore. This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.
1) Politically Incorrect
I really don’t care who you are going to vote for. So, the fact that you are somehow able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barack Obama is a cyborg or that Mitt Romney’s urine contains traces of gold is great, but it’s not going to change how I feel about either candidate. It is however going to change how I feel about you. Your extremist views and your constant need to share them with me has me thinking that everything else that comes out of your mouth is equally as useless to our civilization. Haven’t you ever been taught that you do not discuss sex, religion or politics in an open forum? When I was a kid, I asked my grandfather who he voted for. He refused to tell me because he felt that your vote was sacred. You should try that sometime!
2) Real Life Contagion
Have you seen Contagion? That movie freaked me the hell out. Anyway, (spoiler alert) remember at the end when they showed where the virus originated from on Day 1? Yeah, that’s you. You’re my Day 1. You keep clicking that “I can’t believe she actually did it” video which results in your account getting hacked into. Before long my Facebook newsfeed starts looking like a virtual minefield of your assorted viruses disguised as “awesome” videos. Show some restraint for heaven’s sake!
3) My Second Job? RSVP-ing to Your Events
I get it. You have more stuff going on than I do. And because I can’t make your events that are 3,000+ miles away, I either have the pleasure of a) individually responding to each one or b) not responding to any which results in missing something that I actually wanted to attend. If you could just take a few minutes to go through your list of friends and only invite those that are actually able to attend without breaking the space-time continuum, it would be a big help.
4) Even My 4 Year Old Knows How to Say Thank You
Social media is an amazing forum where you can leverage your connections to seek out advice or feedback on just about anything. And you have no problem asking. So when I offer up some advice or feedback, it wouldn’t kill you to respond. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that my advice is the verbal equivalent of splitting the atom. But I do think that my response warrants some form of reaction from you. Instead, what do I get? Crickets. Nothing. How about a thanks? Or maybe a like? Something that shows that you actually hear me or appreciate me taking the time out of my day to be a part of your conversation.
5) Go @#^ Yourself
I’m no saint. And I am not claiming to be one. I just don’t need to hear you unload everything going on in your head in chunks of 4 letter words. Look, I’m all for cleverly placing the naughty stuff here and there. All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill you to squeeze in a prepositional phrase or something in between every now and then.
6) Dinner for 5,000
Unless you plan on inviting me over for dinner, I’m pretty much OK without knowing the intricacies of your daily meals. Save it. I’m really not interested. And while we’re at it, please stop taking pictures of your food. That’s just weird. It’s just food.
7) Multi-Level Nuisancing
How clever of you! Disguising that “great to meet you” post on my wall with a link to your latest MLM as if I wouldn’t notice. Whatever webinar you went to or product you bought that told you this was an acceptable form of marketing lied to you. It is not. It’s not marketing. It’s nuisancing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with MLM’s or the people that work them. There are plenty of professionals out there that are extremely successful at it because they are brilliant marketers. If this is your strategy, you are not one of them.
8) Old McFriendy Had a Farm
I have no interest in raising sheep. I have a hard enough time raising my children. The last thing I need are a bunch of animals running around my little world. Even if they are digital. So stop asking me to join your farm or sell you a chicken or whatever the heck you are doing over there. Unless of course you want me to start posting pictures of my kids on your wall and asking if you to babysit every day.
9) You Speak the Wrong Language
Look at you attempting to multi-task! You’ve connected Twitter and Facebook together so you only have to post one place and both are updated! Bravo! Now your Facebook posts are littered with #’s and @’s which either looks as though you don’t know what you are doing or you don’t care enough to actually put any effort into the conversation. Don’t you get it? Each site has its own language and should have its own strategy? It’s like walking into a Star Trek convention and speaking Huttese (that’s nerd speak for some language they speak in Star Wars…yeah, I had to look that up…it might be inacurate so please don’t write your book report based on this one).
10) I Don’t Look Anything Like That
There is nothing quite like the excitement of waking up to a notification that you tagged me in a picture. So, imagine my confusion when I click on it only to find a picture of a shoe. That’s right. A shoe. A fire engine red pump with 2 inch heals selling for a mere $89.95. You tagged me in the picture along with 99 of my Facebook brothers and sisters in an obvious attempt to get our attention and have your shoe show up on our timeline. Oh, and looky looky, there is a link to your website where we can buy the shoe. (True story). First, red is not my color. Second, just because you aren’t able to think of something clever to get me to want to look at your products does not give you the green light to trick me into looking at your products.Marc Ensign is not a Guru, Jedi, Rock Star or a Ninja. He’s just a guy that knows an awful lot about a bunch of stuff and is not afraid to tell it like it is. You can find out more about him at www.marcensign.com. Featured image courtesy of Nomadic Lass licensed via Creative Commons.